Bit 6, Clown fish won’t survive in limejuice.
When Bitssy was still a wee puppy, living in Brisbane, she had formed Dog’s Body, a watchdog group armed with the protective force of multiple members. The dogs all watched out for each other and kept their lines of communication open by bark passing their messages through the town.
In Cairns, although very happy, Bitssy sometimes felt alone, separated from her earlier friends. Feeling a bit down in the dumps, like her heart was a big heavy rock, Bitssy wandered down the back yard looking for a grasshopper or an emerald green Christmas beetle to brighten her up. Just as she was about to stick her nosy snout under the beautiful, flowering Crimson Impatiens, it was struck with a small, orange, hand of velvet.
"Marmalade!" gushed Bitssy, "Where have you been for so long?" The two friends hugged, engaging in a feat of acrobatics that looked as though they were wrestling each other, in the garden bed, squashing the fragile Impatiens. Oops, no cut flowers for the tea table tonight.
"Marmalade! I have missed you so much. Come and tell me all your new stories of rat chasing in the sugar cane fields. You’re as fat as a devil so you must have some delicious and alarming stories to tell."
Marmalade meowed and meowed, just like a kitten caught up a tree, eager to be back in his own safe little space.
"Bitssy," Marmalade complained, "I have missed you more this trip than I have ever missed you before. Come, come, let’s jump the side gate and take up residence on the front verandah so that all the street can see that I'm home."
The two friends freestyled toward the side gate. Right at the last minute, just as Marmalade launched himself into the air like a missile looking for a target, Bitssy hit the skids, and slid right smack bang into the gate.
"Yelp!" cried Bitssy, a piece of grass hanging from her nose like a long stream of wandering green nose waste that had lost its way in a sneezing rush. She had tried to use her nose like an anchor, to slow down her speeding excitement, but the memory of the danger over the fence was what really stopped her plain sailing and brought her back to port.
Marmalade, balancing still as a statue on an awfully thin and drooping lime tree branch (already weighted down by limes), surveyed the scene of Bitssy below and quickly decided that Bitssy was, well, a complete dork!
"Merr, merr, merr, cough." A noise like a car engine trying to kick over sounded from Marmalade’s mouth. "Merr, merr, merr, hahaha, hahaha." Not only did the merriment shake the limes from their sanctuary, but Marmalade was now laughing so hard, that he too dropped from the lime tree, straight into the front yard’s, colourful and woody crotons below. He was crowded over by the beautiful, thick, yellow and red huge waxy leaves but Bitssy could easily locate him in the shuddering laughing bright shrub.
"Hahahaha, tehee, hee, merr, merr, merr."
Marmalade was rolling around with laughter so much that he looked like he was competing for a Guinness World Book of Record attempt at making lime juice! The limes underneath the crotons were being catapulted in all directions at an amazingly fast rate. As they hit their targets, they split and squirted their tangy acidic juice with stinging precision.
Bitssy, a little baffled and overpowered by the stinging lime nuclear missiles that exploded upon impact with her body, cocked her head to the side while she tried to work out Marmalade's condition. Squinting her eyes for protection, she judged that, no, Marmalade wasn't hurt, or drunk. Marmalade was just, well, a croton cretin! Bitssy jumped, front legs on top of the gate, back feet firmly planted on the ground lest she also have a lime collapse like poor Marmalade, and began laughing over the gate at her friend.
"Marmalade, you big old tom cat. I think you're the clown fish today. Now stop liming down and come back here before you explode like a puffer fish washed up on the beach."
At those endearing words, Marmalade mustered his humour into control, and flick, was on the top of the gate lovingly sharing his lime-slimed head against Bitssy's.
"Bitssy," dripped Marmalade (yes, actually dripped, Marmalade had little drips of limey saliva falling from his tongue). "You are my best friend. I adore you and I am going to tell you just what I think of you and your clown fish thinking. See that magnificent botanic recreational area for grubs out there? That's your front yard Bitssy. That's a place you're allowed to go. That's your body, buddy. That's your spot."
Bitssy nearly unbalanced Marmalade with the huge lick that she planted on his head. What a mistake! After spitting out the burning, sour lime juice, she trotted toward her back verandah to sprawl out on her little round trampoline, the one with a really soft and comforting sheepskin on it. Bitssy only ever went near it when she needed to think (and on this occasion to roll off the lime juice).
Bitssy settled in to think. Marmalade spoke the truth as usual. Bitssy had every right to play in her own front yard. Bitssy had to practise being that strong and assertive dog from Dog’s Body: the dog that drew on her own inner strength backed up by sound safety thinking skills. Bitssy would start that very afternoon, right after she had a little nap.
Bit 7. The Mellow Yellow Prophecy.
Bit 8. Poison Snake Catches a Rat on the Front Verandah
Bit 9. Snot Nice
Bit 10. Hot Toast with Vegemite.
Bit 11. Off Caramel Smells Like Rotting Lime.
Bit 12. A Dog's Body
Bit 13. The Goodbye Van.
Bit 14. Caramel on Toast.
Bit 15. The Final Dreaming.
Eulogy.
To purchase Bitss of Caramel Marmalade on Toast please visit this eBay store: Duncan's Emporium Gifts and Curios. They are selling the book at only A$12.00 plus postage. RRP is $15.00 (+ p and h)
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