Bit 3, Leaping Tasmanian devil in sour lime sauce.
On this particular storm brewing, gecko chasing, frog hiding, flutterbyings buttering Bitssy up, backyard Sunday afternoon, Bitssy caught a glimpse of a marmalade cat. The orange feline was creeping secretly like a Tasmanian devil through the chunky flame coloured Heliconias growing along the side fence.
Bitssy was rather excited, her tail circling faster than the inside ceiling fan on high. Her tongue was dripping with the expectancy of making a new friend. Cheerfully, she watched the disguised Tasmanian devil for a minute until the breeze encouraged the long leaves to flitter, dance, and block the view of the Marmalade beauty. Bitssy blissfully pounded over to the marmalade spot. No Marmalade cat!
"Oh dear," grumbled Bitssy, her bottom lip almost scooping up the leaf litter, "I must have been butterfly dreaming."
Suddenly, with a meowing laugh, the huge, portly, sleepy eyed Marmalade cat appeared from behind a swaying jungle leaf.
"Hello dog," flicked Marmalade cheekily. "I don't like it when somebody is watching me go to the toilet so I hid from your prying little doggy eyes. Toileting is my business if you don't mind. No checking out my private regions thank you."
Bitssy blushed and coyly rubbed her ears with her paw.
"Sorry, excuse me, very sorry Marmalade. I didn't know you were toileting."
Marmalade obviously wasn't too embarrassed as he turned his back to Bitssy, stretched out his front legs, chest greeting the mulch, and reached his loin and tail high up toward the gathering
thunderclouds.
Marmalade's bare crinkled cat's bottom was right in Bitssy's face. Bitssy was suitably embarrassed and plopped to the ground with both paws covering her eyes. Impish, vulgar, Marmalade! Showing private parts to others is just not on. Marmalade had already chided Bitssy about privacy for goodness sake! When Bitssy was game enough to sneak a look, Marmalade was gone. Again!
"How does he do that?" thought Bitssy, sniffing up the tantalising scent of citrus marmalade with her wiggling, wet, fine, superior dingo smelling tool.
"He's over there somewhere. Oh no, he's gone over the side fence, through the lime tree, into the front yard!”
Bitssy stood, one bent front leg suspended in mid air, ears pricked and forward, hairs on her spine standing up like she’d just stuck her toenail in a power point.
"Where's Caramel?" she nervously whispered to herself, or to any other garden friend who chose to hang around for the showdown and gangland killing.
Breaking the heavily depressing calm, Bitssy heard a few loud fast barks, a guttural growling, a spat, a noise like children make when they put stones in a soft drink bottle and roll it around, another bark, growl, tearing flesh, a scream like a dying cat, and then.... silence.
Standing in hope, eyes glued to the spot where Marmalade had made her exit to certain death, Bitssy began to feel very sad. Not even a visitor could enter the front yard.
“Poor Marmalade,” Bitssy thought wretchedly.
“Poor, poor Marmalade. He looked like a nice cat. If only I’d had the chance to warn him how scary and mean Caramel is. It’s my fault. I should have done something. I should have stopped him.”
Bitssy sat, head hanging, and bottom lip definitely now collecting leaf litter like it was a magnet. She slumped, contemplating the death taste of the musty leaf matter when suddenly, an obese
orange tail flicked her in the nose.
"Marmalade! You're alive! How did you do that?" purred Bitssy after rubbing her head all over Marmalade’s lime stained, and very bad tasting body.
"Ohhhhhh, a catdog that purrs instead of bites," teased Marmalade, wrapping his beautiful strong tail around his fat haunches as he sat eyeball to eyeball with Bitssy. "How do you do that?"
Bitssy, excited and over the moon (which wasn't even out yet), ran around Marmalade in circles that got tighter and tighter. Then, just to really display her excitement, Bitssy did a couple of groovy mid air reverse flips that are usually only seen in the feline species when falling from great heights. Misjudging the distance, Bitssy ended up landing on top of Marmalade, who didn’t squirm, spit, and run off like the average cat would have done. Marmalade instead opened his mouth wide, poked out his sandpaper squid grey tongue, squinted his eyes as much as any fat cat could, and looked like he was praying to the cat Guru above.
Bit 4. Catmando and Reef Knots.
Bit 5. Bitssy Gets it Good!
Bit 6. Clown Fish Won't Survive in Limejuice.
Bit 7. The Mellow Yellow Prophecy.
Bit 8. Poison Snake Catches a Rat on the Front Verandah
Bit 9. Snot Nice
Bit 10. Hot Toast with Vegemite.
Bit 11. Off Caramel Smells Like Rotting Lime.
Bit 12. A Dog's Body
Bit 13. The Goodbye Van.
Bit 14. Caramel on Toast.
Bit 15. The Final Dreaming.
Eulogy.
To purchase Bitss of Caramel Marmalade on Toast please visit this eBay store: Duncan's Emporium Gifts and Curios. They are selling the book at only A$12.00 plus postage. RRP is $15.00 (+ p and h)
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